| 29.9.02 |
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| why am i up so early. |
| posted by Paige @ 6:50 AM |
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| 28.9.02 |
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aparently so.
so, tonight's the night. i am here at home with 30 some of my closest friends. he's downstairs right now, enjoying his evening. it's hot right now in the house, but there is a fall breeze coming through the window. it refreshes the mood, which is confused. the air of conversation is adventurous.
love also abounds. God reveals himself in community, and that is evidenced tonight. |
| posted by Paige @ 8:47 PM |
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| 27.9.02 |
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i hate it when i don't listen to my own advice. days, weeks, months and even years are so minor in the grand scheme of things. so a few days, weeks or months haven't gone as you've planned....they are just a way to measure time. what matters is the eternal.
does this mean we're cool? |
| posted by Paige @ 9:59 PM |
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| 26.9.02 |
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| the hills of my home are on fire right now. it's interesting the things you get used to like fires and earthquakes. the things i don't have in my life right now. hhhmmmm now i just have terrorist attacks and imf protests. traffic sucks today. |
| posted by Paige @ 7:16 AM |
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| 25.9.02 |
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today is my grandmother's birthday. she would have been 92.
i have tremendous respect for her. her marriage to my grandfather seemed respectable. he died when i was 6, but my grandmother spoke very well of him. she cried every year at the anniversary of his death. she would say about him, "he cared for me". the conclusive simplicity of that response still amazes me. i see lack of respect in many relationships, and i want my husband to care for me.
i have thought a lot about the qualities i require in my husband. i have shared my post earlier this week with several people, and i am surprised the responses. many more women than i imagined understand my description. i had it suggested to me to list the qualities i would like in a husband. traditionally i have thought that this is an attempt limit God. you see, i understand God to work in ways that are beyond my understanding. creating a list from my own understanding will cause me to only to be interested in a certain man. but God works beyond our comprehension, to an extent that is truly only realized in retrospect. perhaps i will create a list over the weekend. i believe sleep is more important right now.
i love you grammie. happy birthday |
| posted by Paige @ 8:47 PM |
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| 24.9.02 |
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on the metro this morning, i saw the man i want to marry. he is tall, somewhat lanky, in a cute way. from his skin i'd say he was early thirties. he was wearing a suit that was just a smidge too big for him. there was something very sexy about the way he didn't quite fit into everything that suit represents. he was holding his backpack, one you could tell also doubled for genuine backpacking purposes. when he rose to get off, which was far to soon, he put the backpack on, carelessly wrinkling his suit. his dark blonde hair was unkempt. he looked at it in his reflection in the window, before he got off. i'll forgive his vanity. he straightened a few loose ends, then gave up just as it took it's original form. it's the look that makes you wonder if he was trying to pull off the toussled matthew perry kind of look, but at the same time, just got out of bed. completely unintentional. he is probably a night owl. he is wise, witty and has an excellent sense of humor. he is perfectly adaptable to the middle class world, but is perfectly beyond it. his job is just a job to him, his passions lie elsewhere.
i only shared a stop with him. i will probably never see this man again. he is what i desire. |
| posted by Paige @ 3:55 PM |
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| i must profess my love for evite.com. i have an account with them, and it's getting to the point where i look there for my activities for the weekend. i suppose that was the ingenious idea of someone there, but, dangit! it works! carrie keeps me busy with hbo programming parties, and my friends send me cool stuff too. of course, i entertain as well. so, here's my latest creation, kurt's party. i'm getting to be a website expert (well, i can keep telling myself that). i created that picture, downloaded it, etc. it's a nice custom job. he's a popular fellow, isn't he? he will be missed. love you, kurt! |
| posted by Paige @ 1:05 PM |
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| 23.9.02 |
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power is an interesting study. specifically how it is measured. for example, you are powerful if you can get away with calling your peers on speakerphone. and i suppose you measure 'getting away with it' in the assistant who answers the phone. i know from my experience as a peon that usually it is someone important if they sound like they are calling from a hole in the ground. occasionally, however, there were a few that you discover who use this measurement only to boost their own egos. as soon as you announce the caller on the line only to have your boss reply with an immediate 'voicemail', do you learn that there is no way this man should be using his speakerphone. legislative assistants should not be using speakerphones. neither should directors of sales companies. take that extra step and grab the receiver, it's not worth the loss of respect.
i'm not at a point in my career where i can use the speakerphone for anything other than checking my own voicemail messages. then again, i'm not sure i'll ever want to use my speakerphone. |
| posted by Paige @ 10:57 AM |
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| 21.9.02 |
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my friends are dropping like flies. marguerita called me this afternoon from her romantic getaway with lance to tell me she's engaged. four months of dating. i'm really not sure how i feel about it, but i guess it is not really up to me. he is a great guy and he treats her very well. she's happy, though i wonder if that will fade. then i kind of have to wonder about his leadership. he knows she's young, so does he really think that marriage is the right thing for her at this particular point in her life? or is he trying to marry her as fast as he can so she won't realize, 'hey, what business do i have with a man 15 years older than me?' that sounds so harsh, but i'm scared to think it may be the truth. perhaps the setting of the date will shed more light on the situation, but for now, i love her and support her in her decisions.
damn, why do these things keep happening to me. do i have some sign on me that says, 'here, share your crises with me, i can handle it'? is there a balance between being a prudish virgin and closet slut among christian women (and don't even get me started on what christian masculinity is....is that an oximoron?)? ok, those extremes are too dramatic, but seriously, are there any women who walk with God and keep to their committments to him? i know i'm not one, so, God, where are they? and what is the point of being prudishly virgin? supposedly it's to be obedient to God. ok, i'm with you there. but i often examine my own motivations at times like this. why should i be obedient to God? aside from being commanded to, it really boils down to my own selfish nature. i choose to obey God because i want to be blessed. my understanding of blessing is a happy marriage. unfortunately, we all know that even happy, christian marriages are often unhappy in reality. knowing that, what is my reordered (is this the true one?) motivation? i suppose that is where faith kicks in. i don't know, but must trust the higher being who supposed does.
all i'd like right now is a dog. |
| posted by Paige @ 10:02 PM |
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mmmm....lip gloss is a really cool invention. how a few dabs of grease can transform your mouth into a sexy pucker is a wonder to me. but it works.
off to play with chris and tim! |
| posted by Paige @ 4:53 PM |
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| 20.9.02 |
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| hehe...i actually typed the word "dude"....and "hehe" for that matter....perhaps this isn't the best time to blog |
| posted by Paige @ 3:19 PM |
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wooo hoooo it's friday!!!! been a long week....and i'm making dinner with dan.....looking very forward to the weekend
dude, and i got almost no work done today....well, work that i'm paid to do anyway... |
| posted by Paige @ 3:13 PM |
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| 19.9.02 |
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| man, that's depressing. i didn't mean it to come out quite like that. i am good, i'm just not excellent. i'd like to be excellent. |
| posted by Paige @ 7:19 PM |
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do you ever feel stuck in mediocrity? tonight i feel so dullly capable. but nothing more. i'm good at some things, but not excellent. what am i excellent at? do i ever make people say, 'wow. i wish i could do that.'? perhaps i need a new hobby. or a hobby. in high school i dabbled in photography, perhaps i should resurrect that.
that and i miss la. |
| posted by Paige @ 3:29 PM |
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| 18.9.02 |
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Anne is Freud tonight - Bin Ladin symbolised not evil, but good - Jesus. Jesus was a carpenter, and Bin Ladin restores furniture.
Also interesting to note - other of my friends were going to the same place where I was already. Hmm, heaven? Some kind of spiritual maturity? But why is this symbolized in Bin Ladin? |
| posted by Paige @ 4:19 PM |
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To those who believe humans are inherently good, I pose this question -
Why, when the train's platform is shoulder to shoulder with people, is it necessary for someone get on the loudspeaker announce, "please allow passengers to exit the train before attempting to board"?
It's interesting to me how many of my epiphanies occur in the Metro. |
| posted by Paige @ 4:15 PM |
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| 16.9.02 |
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| Just got back from an eye exam. Weee, what fun! Everyone will think I'm high, and I can't stand to look at anything bright. But at least I get to wear glasses again. Oh, it's the little things. |
| posted by Paige @ 1:29 PM |
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| 11.9.02 |
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Alright, it is only halfway through September 11, 2002, and I'm already sick of hearing about last year. It truly amazes me to hear how shocked people are. Why are you shocked? Aparently no one has experienced tragety. Am I priviledged that I have gone through this before? Ok, so the loss of life was not as significant, but really the similarities between this and earthquakes are tremendous. Everyone has their "where were you" stories. In fact, everyone askes - and genuinely listens to - those stories. The shared experience is one we Americans lack. I have been reading an absolutely fascinating article on salon.com about that simply states people's reactions to the events. The raw and offensive honesty is one that I truly respect. But I feel most people won't hear such reactions. Partly because they have now been trained not to want to hear it, but also because they don't understand it. I have never shared my honest reactions until just yesterday, and I must say...it is quite liberating.
I have a hard time talking to people from California about this. They are so far removed from it, and so effected by the media, that they do not understand. For example, I drove Kristin up to Columbia, and she would not go near ground zero. She stated that she didn't want to start her life in NYC on such a grim note. My mother cries just thinking about it - which I cannot understand. I understood her tears last year, when she learned her daughters were ok. But now? A year later? She doesn't even know anyone that was lost. I do. Lisa's dad was one of the "heros", a fire chief at the command center in the base of tower 1. To me, her emotional reaction is the most genuine. Do they genuinely understand the situation, and it is I that am confused? How do you judge another's emotional reaction? Does God judge my emotional reaction?
I wonder what our emotions would be like if we were allowed to experience them for longer that a 190 minute movie, or a 4.3 minute song. If we had the time to really wrestle with and grasp our own reactions to this all, would we feel the same? Would the same cheesy-ness be there, but just with a different understanding? Or would we be 'moved on'? Or would we still be hugging each other and crying? What are pure emotions.
And then I think of the Real World Chicago cast....now those are true emotions! |
| posted by Paige @ 10:16 AM |
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| "My ideal picture of citizenship will always be an argument, not a sing-along." - Sarah Vowell, The Partly Cloudy Patriot |
| posted by Paige @ 9:22 AM |
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"If humor without faith is in danger of dissolving into cynicism and dispair, faith without humor is in danger of turning into arrogance and intolerance." -Conrad Hyers, The Comic Vision and The Christian Faith
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| posted by Paige @ 6:27 AM |
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| 10.9.02 |
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I could either choose to write something very deep, thoughtful and emotional....or I could just write this sentance.
Tomorrow is September 11....let the _______________ fly. |
| posted by Paige @ 7:00 PM |
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| 8.9.02 |
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Aaahhh, yes. Hung out with Greg today.
Shot some basketball. Had dinner. Laughed. He showed me his new truck. I showed him my new house.
There is nothing like the satisfaction in a breakup that ends well, even though it has been almost a year. |
| posted by Paige @ 7:36 PM |
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| Today I was picking up a few items at the grocery store. The store was very crowded, but I chose a lane behind just one woman. The isle was filled with her food. What I didn't realize was that food was her second cart full. Two carts worth of food. Perhaps she was stocking up for a big party, or maybe just shops once a month or something. But either way -- two carts? I expected her total be somewhere around $1K, but was pleasantly surprised to see it come to $327. She must have seen me notice that total, as she turned to me and said, "This is my favorite part". With extreme exuberence, she pulls out a stack of coupons. One by one the checker scans the coupons and the price lowers. She turns again to me and says, "I always save at least 25% here". God bless the Safeway. Her price lowers to $307. Another satisfied customer of marketing. |
| posted by Paige @ 7:32 PM |
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| 7.9.02 |
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What is friendship, really? Is it ultimately selfish, or selfless? Perhaps it is the combination of the two. I believe the healthiest of relationships have mastered the balance of (charitably) giving and (humbly) receiving.
I have spent the last two days giving many of my resources to others. I have spent money that rightly belongs to my creditors. I have given presents. I have used my car. I have given time. And I have given my heart. Sometimes I feel cursed by my own generous heart, but then, now, I am consumed with guilt for an expectation of reception I have not gained. Am I wrong to expect?
In Washington, and perhaps elsewhere, though I have not noted it, there is an attitude of selfishness. I worry that I am falling prey to it as well. Jobs come and go. The weather comes and goes. People are transient. My heart longs for stable love.
I am looking at my neighbors. A nice, childless, older couple. I watch her cook him food, and I watch them spend time together on the sunporch. Is she satisfied with him as her companion? I am sadened by the thought of one person being my soul companion, and yet, I feel that is what I deeply desire.
Does this make even an ounce of sense? I must depart to celebrate the birthday of a friend. |
| posted by Paige @ 3:58 PM |
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Relationships create hope.....
Broken relationships hurt for loss of hope. |
| posted by Paige @ 3:34 PM |
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| 6.9.02 |
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How dare you take from me what is not yours.
Fuck you for taking a part of me.
Fuck you for taking what belongs to someone else.
I gave you a part of me, trusted you. It is now, somewhere enveloped into your ego. I should have listened to my friends, but I trusted you. I wanted so much to see you become a better man. I was cheering for you, behind you all the way. But you failed to see the importance of my support.
What am I to you? What does friend really mean to you? Am I the only one to challenge these notions? Are others really that content to let you walk on them?
Be careful what you do. Your steps are closely watched by others. My heart breaks for where they are going. You say that your mission in life is to provide guidence to others? Well, are you not leading them into the same holes that you yourself fall in to?
I refuse to give you any more of me. My heart belongs to one, and it is not you.
How'd I end up feeling so bad, for such a little boy?
How dare you take with is not yours. |
| posted by Paige @ 10:29 PM |
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Today is a beautiful day. Crystal clear sky...bright and sunny....not too hot, not too cool....perfect.
In California, we call it earthquake weather.
Praise God there are no earthquakes in Washington. |
| posted by Paige @ 11:59 AM |
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| 2.9.02 |
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Aaaahhhh, men. If there is one thing that is universal in humanity, it is relationships.
After a very long conversation with Lane, I am able to speak to him again without wanting to rip his arms off. Why can't men and women just be friends? Why does there have to be weirdness? But alas, crisis is averted. For now....but will it happen again? I am not holding my breath, it probably will. Much as I love him, we are a very passionate pair. We too easily frustrate each other. But analyze I shall not do. Never again...just enjoy. |
| posted by Paige @ 6:19 PM |
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